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How To Trust Again Part 4

"Jospeh...made himself known to his brothers...and he wept."

-- Genesis 45:2-3

In order for trust to be rebuilt we must forgive the one who broke our trust and then offer them opportunity to prove their repentance. Repentance means to "turn over a new leaf" or "turn and walk a new direction." Repentance is all about change, and change must happen if someone is to ever be relied upon after breaking trust! We want to see that their character is new and reliable.

One of the greatest examples of restored trust in all of the Bible is found in the story of Joseph. His brothers had broken trust him by selling him into slavery! Joseph had been terribly betrayed but God used his circumstances to save Egypt and his family from a deadly famine. Despite the way God worked out the circumstances surrounding his enslavement, the restoration of relationship and the rebuilding of trust between he and his brothers took time and effort. Joseph forgave his brothers but he needed to see that they had developed new character which made them trustworthy for a healthy relationship.

Joseph set up a series of tests for his brothers (Genesis 42-45) so he could see their character or lack thereof under stressful circumstances. He wanted to see if the men would buckle under pressure or prove to be men of good character. Many times true character is demonstrated when the temperature of our life is turned up! Joseph wanted to know whether his brothers had developed character which could be relied upon for a trustworthy relationship.

I would not recommend that we "test" those who have broken trust but we should certainly take time to watch and learn whether those who have hurt us have developed a new, trustworthy character. The Holy Spirit can and does change us! Those who believe an old dog can't learn new tricks have never had the Holy Spirit as their trainer! But, before we rely on the character of someone who has hurt us deeply, we should know, based upon the evidence of their life, that they have truly turned from their old ways to a new life in Christ!

A cheating spouse may be repentant, seek forgiveness and truly be changed from the person they were when they committed adultery but to take them home and implicitly trust without first seeing a demonstration of their professed repentance would be foolish. If they are truly the new person they claim to be they should be thrilled with the opportunity to prove their new way of life and patient with your need to see its demonstration. Healthy relationships are built upon trust, and if we are to be honest with ourselves, trust is built upon evidence gathered over TIME! Do not short change yourself or the person seeking your trust by denying them the opportunity to prove he or she is a changed person.

Forgiveness is immediate but trust is built over the test of time!

More later,

James

How To Trust Again: Part 3

"For it is God who works in you to will and to work according to His good purpose."

-- Philippians 2:13

How can you again trust someone who has broken trust? How can the relationship ever be restored? Depending on the level of trust broken, the job of restoring trust can be a monumental task. However, if both parties are willing, trust can be restored!

Remember, to trust someone is to depend upon their character or ability. Most often, when trust is broken it is due to a failure of character so we will focus on this aspect of trust for the bulk of our discussion.

The restoration of trust takes TIME! In our "microwave" culture we want instant gratification or results but when it comes to rebuilding trust this is a complete impossibility. Rebuilding trust should be seen as the construction of a skyscraper not a treehouse. The greater the disappointment the greater the number of stories on our skyscraper. This will not be a quick and easy process because it requires a consistent demonstration of a changed heart.

The Bible teaches us to keep no record of wrongs and we should always be quick to forgive when we are wronged. However, to quickly rely on a person who has broken trust would be foolish! For instance, if your husband repents after having cheated on you for 18 months with another woman, you might quickly forgive (with God's help) the wrong done but to go home and pretend the events of the last 18 months didn't happen would be absurd and foolish. You can not skip the work of rebuilding trust and have a secure, happy marriage after such betrayal.

So how do we rebuild trust in a broken relationship? The first step is forgiveness and wiping the slate clean. We have to make up our mind that we are going to forgive the person for what they have done to hurt us. We have to determine in our heart to let go of the offense and do what scripture teaches, "keep no record of wrong." Often, we have difficulty doing this because we are human and our emotions will not let go of the hurt. When we face such times we must remember God is the only one who can truly change any of us! It is the Holy Spirit who works to change our will and actions so we can be like Christ. Go to God and admit you are incapable of forgiving. You won't be the first to have done so! God understands your struggle and will empower you to do what you cannot do by yourself. Sometimes we must pray, "God I cannot forgive but I want to forgive. God, please change my heart and make it possible for genuine forgiveness to take place." Then, believe and have faith God will do what you prayed for Him to do!

Without forgiveness a root of bitterness will undermine any future possibility for trust in your relationship. Remember, "Nothing is impossible with God!"

More to come!

James

How To Trust Again: Part 2

Restoring Trust In Broken Relationships

If someone betrays your trust can you ever trust them again? How do we rely upon the character or ability of someone if they have failed us in a big way? What if your spouse has an affair, father leaves your family or a confidant shares a deep, painful secret with the world? How does one recover from such broken trust? How can the offended person ever feel safe again? How can relationships be mended?

As the old saying goes, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!" Many people choose to write off an intimate relationship when there has been a major breech of trust. Those falling into this camp believe it impossible to ever truly trust someone who has failed them miserably. Is this right? Do we have the right to just walk away from relationships in which we have been hurt?

Scripture teaches us love never fails and as such we should always be open to the possibility of a renewed relationship with those who have hurt us. The real question is, on what basis do we renew a relationship with someone who has broken trust with us? Do we just pretend the event(s) didn't happen? Do we hold the offense over the offending party's head for the rest of our relationship with them? How do we move forward in a healthy way?

Over the next couple of days we will look at the "how to's" of restoring broken trust but before we do I want to challenge you to consider something very important. Can you really change yourself? Can you, in your power, in your own ability, ever really make a lasting, significant change in your life? Before you answer in the affirmative, keep in mind that your body, mind and soul are all a gift from God. Apart from God you would not even exist! Can you really claim to change any part of your existence, in your own power, when the reality of your existence is a gift in the first place? Something worth thinking about before we move forward!

James

How To Trust After Being Betrayed: Part 1

How do you trust after being hurt by someone in whom you had placed complete and total trust?

If you look up the word trust you will find it is defined as reliance upon the character and ability of another person or thing. When a person has caused their character or ability to be questioned can there be a recovery? Can there again be a time when you trust as you did before the letdown or betrayal?

We know there is no such thing as a perfect person. There is not a human being or human institution on this earth who won't eventually disappoint you at some point. Does this mean we never trust anyone or anything? If we know disappointment is in our future does it necessarily undermine our ability to rely on someone other than ourself? Can a person occasionally disappoint us yet be trustworthy in the things which really matter? There is a difference in rebuilding trust after a small letdown versus a big one isn't there?

Trust is a "big ticket item" in all of our lives. By necessity, we find ourselves in the position to trust a myriad of people everyday. We trust the person in the oncoming car won't steer his vehicle into our own. We trust the pilot won't put our plane into the ground after takeoff. We trust the cook in the kitchen didn't put rat poison in the gravy on our chicken fried steak. Like it or not we are all forced to trust. But when it comes to personal relationships, those of friendship, family or matrimony, the potential to be hurt raises the question of trust to a whole new level.

The deeper our relationship with someone the greater potential for trust to be enjoyed. On the flip side of this, the deeper our relationship with someone, the greater the potential hurt when trust is broken. Trust is inherently risky because of our imperfect nature but its potential reward and benefit to our life is beyond words to describe.

You will trust other people, things and institutions whether you want to or not. Some try to live their life as though this necessity didn't exist but as mentioned earlier, trust is a daily habit most of us do without thought or consideration. We all rely on the character and ability of others.

Part Two Tomorrow!

James